> Subject: Bread Statistics 

Boy ain't this the truth.  (I modified the 12 th one)

	Jim

> 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
> 
> 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
> score below average on standardized tests.
> 
> 3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the
> average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were
> unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as
> typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
> 
> 4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of
> eating bread.
> 
> 5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as
> little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average
> American eats more bread than that in one month!
> 
> 6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of
> cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
> 
> 7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and
> given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
> 
> 8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items
> such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
> 
> 9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than
> 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being
> taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey
> bread-pudding person.
> 
> 10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
> 
> 11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That
> kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
> 
> 12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
> significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

12b.  Most bread eating voters are utterly unable to distinguish between
   significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.


> In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread
> restrictions:
> 
> 1. No sale of bread to minors.
> 
> 2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, with complete celebrity TV
> spots and bumper stickers.
> 
> 3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills
> we might associate with bread.
> 
> 4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to
> children) may be used to promote bread usage.
> 
> 5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
>